So no one meets the love of their life in high school right?  But what if you did? is that even possible? how do you know who the love of your life really is? To me, the love of your life is someone who love no matter what their faults are, no matter where they are in life. You just love this person no matter what. I realize now that I loved Chris, I just wasn't in love with him. When my dad passed away, some things were put into prospective and maybe thats why i wanted to see Ryan so bad, and why i didn't want Chris to meet Ryan. I dont know why i did the things i did, I dont think i will ever understand it, but i do know that Ryan has pretty much had my heart for a long time. Why the hell would i go to build a bear with my boyfriend get a monkey and then buy it a military outfit???? 

   Ryan and I have always been flirty with each other, always joked about things and always gotten along so well. I remember there was one day where i was at chris watching the news, this was back right out of high school when I knew that he was going over seas, and They mentioned a solder had gotten killed over there and the guys first name was Ryan and I dont remember if they said the guys last name or not, but my heart stopped. one of the scariest moments of my life, A few minutes later they showed a picture and it wasn't the same Ryan, but It scared me. I dont know when i realized it was love, but it is. we dont have the best history or timing. I've heard from him that him and Amanda are gonna get a divorce 5 times and each time they end up wanting to try to work things out and he just disappears. This is where we stop talking, and the last time we stopped talking because they were working this out was also around the time he was going back overseas.. I dont understand why, but Ryan is the only person who can truly make me laugh when I'm sad, or make me realize that i'm being stupid, or difficult. He has my heart and yet I'm scared of allowing myself to be happy, I'm scared that he will just do what he always does and disappears..and then i'm left here with nothing..I couldn't stand it if he did that to me again, if he left completely, it may kill me, especially this last time. I dont think he fully understands the hold he has on me..and i dont know that he ever willl understand it. Its like, when I get a text from him, or when he calls me, it makes my day and no matter what  I cant be in a bad mood, I have never had a guy be able to do that with me.. its why i'm so freaking scared to do this, so scared to acutally have a relationship with him, what if im not good enough? what if after the 8 or 9 year chase he gets me a realizes that he doesn't want me? what if i'm not good enough? what if everything he is saying is just to get what he wants and then he's gone again...I've lost people who are important to me, and I dont deal with losing people to well, so needless to say with his track record of just dropping off the face of the earth, I'm scared shitless.  With how the rest of my life has gone, i'm scared that i will allow myself to be happy, and then the rug will be pulled out from under me.and i'll be left alone.   He has told me he wants to be in a long term relationship with me..and that he loves me and isn't going anywhere. I guess my problem is i'm scared. I want to believe this since this is something that he's never told me before, not acutally said it the way it has been said, but I look at our history and its scary. It doesnt help that he's so far away and that he wont be here till december. Its like, i dont even know what we are...if right now we are anything. my heart and my head are at odds on this. I want to take a chance on all of this, but I dont want to get hurt. I told stephy last night that i feel like i should do this, that its a good thing, yet if i believe that why the hell am i so scared?   he says that if he doesn't respond to text messages he's busy with work, its why we haven't talked in so long, but its one of those things, its scary as hell, i hate the fact that I have to wonder. 

If I were granted Unlimited magic powers for five minutes? I would travel back in time to when I was younger and  spend alot more time with my dad. That is my only regret in life is that I didn't really spend much time with my dad.

I feel like i've lost. I held onto someone for so long..and I lose..I was there. I did everything i could and here i am alone.. I just don't understand, and i don't know that i ever will...This is the story of Sam..I need to get it out, and this is where i turn..

It all started in April with one little message...it read : Hey there what is up? and that is how it begin. Truth is, At that time I was still waiting for chris...I dont know why i waited for him for so long, but i was waiting..it was after everything with Cory went down, and I wasn't looking to have my heart ripped out and handed to me again. So i talked to Sam..he got my number and he would text me everyday...for 2 months..I ditched him and hid and pretended that things kept coming up and i had to cancel..finally i decided why not? what did i have to lose, I Kinda wish i woudlnt'  have now now i wish i could take it all back to spare the heart ache. But we met, me him Chris and jessie ottavia and jeff... I had alot of fun, and i really liked him, and after that it was amazing. We hung out for a month, he always wanted me around, always called me babe..hun..sweetie...and on the fourth of July we became official..and i was so freaking happy...we both were...for two months we were happy...I for once in my life was happy. I was truly happy, and  he was amazing..He always wanted to hold my hand and he always wanted me around. everyone could see he was crazy about me and i about him. Maybe that should've been my first clue that it was about to go down hill and fast..its almost as if everytime i'm happy Something has to come along and say no she's not allowed to be. Well He went to get the rest of his stuff from his exs and thats when it started..He was acting different, but i pretended not to notice, I played that everything was okay. It was his friend calvins last weekend so we had this party for him and we all got drunk...and his friend chris started to like try to touch me and be all over me..and i told sam that ngiht..i told him and he asked me whos arms i was in, and that it didn't matter. I was with him.  We broke up, he ended up telling me he had feelings for his ex...and we broke up. But it didn't stop, he continued to call me in the morning, or text me all day long. It was when Chris broke up with his girlfriend Jessie..thats when it went to hell. Chris started texting me and i got the feeling that he was trying to get with me and take me from sam. I had and still dont have any feelings for the kid..Hes nice but I have no attraction to him. But he likes me, and sam wanted to catch him in and asked me to talk to him for it...and i knew i shouldnt' but i did i did because i cared about sam and i wanted to help him....I'm so stupid..In the end sam used that to break up with me all together...and now he's with some 21 year old..with no job...and 2 kids. I'm done. I'm done with dating, i'm done with guys, i'm over the heart break. Sure we were together for what two months? and talked for two months? I loved the kid. I did, i dont care what anyone says, but i do..I've only dated Two guys in my entire 25 years on this earth..Had sex with 3...and i'm still alone..I wonder what would've happened that day if i hadn't of decided to date chris..or decided to be with him for 5 years...where would i be right now? what would my life be like?

The what ifs are what kills me..I lost my dad last year, and everytime i turn around i'm losing someone else in my life.I just don't understand why the hell you'd chase me for two months, and then deiced that you dont want the drama...I guess it was all my fault, if sam had never met me, then Chris woudln't have met me and him and jessie would probably still be together, and I would be happy. I wouldn't be the one who started the "drama" i wouldn't have let my guard down and fallen for someone who would turn around and break my heart.I didn't want to meet him for this reason..and EVERYONE told me to give him a chance and to live a little...I did and here i am. I 'm alone and unhappy and he is "Believing in love at first sight' I'm writing this out now so i wont think about him. although thats tough shit, because lately he has been on my mind..I miss the morning phone calls or text messages..I miss the I miss you babes...I guess this is where i'm suppose to be I think this a learning experience for me..I dont regret cory..or chris or ryan...I dont even regret sam. I just regret the way they ended..

Why cant I live my life, but you can live yours,
Bound by my emotions I love you to much to let you go
But you dont love me enough to keep me,
but then, even when i'm mad at you,
i cant stop loving you..

I hope you're doing fine out there without me
'Cause I'm not doing so good without you
The things I thought you'd never know about me
Were the things I guess you always understood
So how could I have been so blind for all these years
I guess I only see the truth through all this fear of living without you

So when I put my itunes on shuffle, this is the song i get. its a song by 3 doors down. It fits perfectly. I've tried talking to guys, and i've gone on the dates and truth be told my heart is no where near ready...its still with a guy who wants nothing to do with me, and has thrown our 5 years down the drain. Everyone says that I'll meet someone who's worth my time and who's better...but what if I won't, what if I fucked it up with "the one"?? Where will I stand? Why is it so easy for him to move on and not even care. I gave him ALL of me, and when I was going through something that i had no clue what it was and I felt completely alone. Ryan was there. He knew what i was going through, and i mistakenly allowed myself to think that it was okay. when what happened was not okay not on any level. I look back and think of how stupid i was. I was in love with someone who loved me back. Sure it wasn't perfect, and it wasn't always the best, but it was what made me happy. I realize that i was an idot and now he doesn't want me...why? Why am i not good enough? Why can he go out and fuck anything and be with anyone, and not have a second thought about me? Someone who he "loved" and wanted to marry and spend the rest of his life with? I dont understand...yet he cant leave me alone and he has a 'Girlfriend' what the fuck? I dont get it. I dont understand why i cant not move on?? why cant i let him go. Katie, trys to be a good friend and tell me to not talk about him...but he's all I think about. Hes on my mind 24/7 Hell i even dream about him and everyone says to move on. WHY CANT I? I feel like I'm going insane. I wish he would read this and see what its doing to me, and how much he acutally means to me. He means the world and to him i was just someone he could throw away.I gave him my heart...I gave him all of me, and now i have nothing. I wanted to marry him, start a family, be a part of his family. I love Makayla and Alyssa, Cole and Jace...I'm no longer "aunt" tracy. I missed Alyssa crawling and start to walk. I miss talking to Kayla EVERY day. i miss all of it. I can only blame myself.

I love Ryan, I love that kid to death, but he will never be anything other than a friend. He cant be. He's married and from what I am told is they are working things out, and i wish ryan all the best if it does work out. He needs that. he needs to have someone who loves him and who he can love in return. He has a son, who he needs to be a role model to, and what he's been doing isn't being a good role model.I wonder if we hadn't crossed that line where i'd be now. I wish i could let ryan take all the blame, but i had my part in it.....i dont know, i just cant understand and it hurts. it hurts so much sometimes i dont think i can stand it. I feel so alone, i feel like no one understands me and that i will never be good enough for anyone. it took me 18 years to find someone whom I loved enough to spend 5 years with..and now here is what i have...nothing i'm alone, and i cant fix it. Something saying I love you, and I am sorry couldn't fix. I see the girls and i have Kayla ask me why i dont love her uncle chris anymore or dont i want to be with him...its so hard. I'm reminded of what I did every day when i look at his mom or i see his picture on her computer screen. I feel like i'm losing my mind and i cant even control it. I let him walk all over me and use me and i dont care its all in hopes that i will be with him again, and i know its wrong..I just love the kid so much it hurts me inside. I pretend to be okay and i pretend that i dont care, but I do care and no on gets what i'm going through. No one, and its so hard.

I feel like i'm trapped in some sort of horrible dream that i'm going to wake up from only i'm not waking up. its not changing. I have his number and i want to call him and tell him he's stupid and i love him and please come back to me. I know that the chances of that are slim to none. Everything reminds me of him, and i try not to talk about it because i want to seem like i'm over him. I hat eto tell people how i feel and that i feel like he's the one because everyone tells me i am crazy and need to move on. I cry myself to sleep, i cry randomly because i miss him. When he comes into the courthouse i feel like i'm gonna go insane. I hate that. I thought i would enjoy being single, that this time would be AMAZING to me, but its not. its horrible and i feel like i'm dying inside. wasn't losing my dad enough? i'd like to think so, i'd like to think that his passing was enough for me to go through, but it wasn't. I know that God is testing me, and i know i'm going to fail..i always do. I want things to be over with, i want to meet the one, i want to be married and have kids. I am looking forward to that moment eversince my nephew was born. I watched chris sisters have kids and i watched them grow up. I am now going to miss their 5th birthday and i am going to miss them growing up. I'm trying to be strong and i'm trying to hold onto something that maybe others dont think its worth it but i do. He was my frist everything. and i dont think i'll ever love anyone the way i loved him. I defended him to my friends, took his side no matter what, and yet I am alone. I gave him everything i stood by him, and I went and Fucked things up.

I guess my heart will always be with a guy who loves to work on cars, and is a "grease monkey" who loves nascar and is a big kid at heart. Its been 8 months and i still cant get over him, there is something wrong with me. I guess the man i gave my heart to and my v card to is all i want, i planned on marrying him. and maybe i'll just never get married or have kids. I dont know. I've been praying for peace and for God to take these feelings away if he isnt the one, but they are still here. I dont know i really dont know anymore.